A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
