i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
