This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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