Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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