I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
