batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
