I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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