i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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