I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
COCAINE IS GR8
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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