last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
