Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
