I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
