He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
