How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
