Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
