It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
