honey bunches of taint.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Lo siento on account of my penis...
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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