In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
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