Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Text me some of your sweat
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