I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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