You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Come on in and take your pants off
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