You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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