mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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