New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
We are all done wearing pants today
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
