I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
