I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
