I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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