My girlfriend figured out who you are.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Randomize