I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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