I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
