Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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