I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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