Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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