If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
