I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
