there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
