the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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