Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
