Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
