I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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