I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
