I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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