I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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