a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
then he tried to convert me to islam
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
