no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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