Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
