You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
