Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
