Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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