Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
