Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
