so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
