my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Randomize