We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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