By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
