I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
