dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
