I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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