I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
BRING THE BAGELS
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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