i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
