The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
