If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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